I didn't really intend for this blog to include journaling, my original idea for this was much more essays and stuff, but I wanted to put this somewhere and I found that I kept wanting to put it here in particular, so here we go.

Being back in classes is, if my therapy session and general mood are any indicators, putting me in a depressive slump. The thing that really made me realize this was that I finally motivated myself to work on game dev again... by buying myself a fancy coffee. The idea that I had to bribe myself with a treat to work on my beloved, lifelong hobby, is bleak. I've really been neglecting the hobbies that are usually my stand-bys: game dev, art, fanfic. Not to mention baking, and even just playing Aveyond. I missed Muse Ariadne last week, too.

I'd been attributing this to "oh I'm just too busy with classes", but I recorded how much time I'm spending on homework and it's... much less than it feels like, and I keep finding I don't have any desire or energy to do these things, either. The two interests I've actually been able to work on consistently lately have been web design and sewing. It feels dismissive to say that those are less creative, but they require a lower threshold of... something, for my brain, and feel more like problem solving for me, which helps. It also helps that I can do web dev while listening to lecture in class and sew while watching tv or a movie.

I did finally get some game dev done last Friday though and it feels good. I want to try to set aside an hour or two for game dev every Friday until I finish my changes to Inn Need Build B. I also made tres leches for the first time, and it came out really well. I'm thinking I'm going to try to make more loafs and cakes during the semester; I can get back to cookies when I feel more like myself. And I'm trying out a new strategy for getting homework done that I'm hoping will help me.

I'm going to kind of put away art and fanfic until the end of the semester, or until I feel better, whatever happens first. If I'm in the mood I'll let myself work on them, of course, but last year I tried to do each of game dev, art, and fanfic once a week, and that's not happening this semester. I do think I want to take this time to outline the fics I have ideas for but not enough specifics yet, though.

I'm hoping I can start to manage my time better where I feel like I actually have time left over to relax and rest and do what I want. Maybe if I do that consistently enough I'll start actually wanting to do fun things again. I've been depressed because of school before and the good news is I know it's temporary; I usually need a month or two after classes to get back to feeling like myself. I can do that, easily. I just hope it starts to feel enjoyable again along the way.