It's November 25th, 2024, which means it's officially been a year since I posted ill-conceived, my dysphoria-fueled character study about Te'ijal from Aveyond getting an abortion.

I wrote this fic because I started having nightmares about being pregnant. Not many, not often, but despite this being one of the worst things in the world to me, it had never been something I had nightmares about, and in the wake of Roe v. Wade being overturned, I was having multiple. I'd vaguely needled at the idea of Te'ijal having an abortion, whenever I saw someone design fankids for her and Galahad or otherwise imply she'd react to a pregnancy with anything other than horror and full-body revulsion, but it wasn't something I felt up for writing about. When I did start writing it, early winter of 2023, I didn't plan to share it with anyone. It was just for me.

And then I had my first ever pap smear, and it was everything I'd been terrified it would be and seemingly validated my decision to put it off for as long as possible. And after my best writing streak since middle school, I suddenly lost the will to write. I didn't want to work on any of my funny or warm, reflective pieces; I felt something viscerally upset inside me and didn't want to create anything that wasn't representative of that.

So I took out my rough draft for ill-conceived and I turned it into something I was proud of enough that it overrode the shame and embarrassment I had about writing it, and I posted it. The reception was beyond my wildest dreams. I talked with my friends about dysphoria, about thoughts on pregnancy or families, and I felt so incredibly seen as both a friend and a writer. I found the shame and embarrassment I felt about talking about pregnancy and abortion dissipate essentially overnight. Since then, I've gotten involved in local abortion organizing.

The fic ends with Te'ijal becoming a vampire again, as in canon, but in this context once again removing even the vaguest possibility of pregnancy. She probably didn't need to become a vampire again in order to never become pregnant again, but it's not really about the practicality. It's about even the possibility. The idea that your body is capable of something that goes against every fiber of your being, even if you'll never be in a situation where it comes up. I'm sex-repulsed ace and by all accounts should never end up pregnant regardless of my reproductive organs. That didn't matter to me. The fact that I could felt like some great cosmic unfairness that made me hate my body.

You'll notice I swapped to past tense. That's because last week, I had a gender-affirming hystorectomy. I got, for all intents and purposes, a variation on the happy ending I gave Te'ijal. I could not be happier to have this to reflect on a year after writing my most personal fic. Recovery is going well, and I'm surrounded by a support system I feel unbelievably lucky to have, that's been expanded and strengthened this past year as I organize. I really feel like I'm starting the next chapter of my life, the one I feel most ready for, and most myself for, yet.

I'm so happy right now. I feel like I need some pithy, clever way to end this post, but that's really all I have to say. I'm proud of myself for all I've done in the past year, and I'm excited for all I'll be able to do going forward as the best Iz yet.