i'm a vegetarian and i ain't fucking scared of him

Chapter 2

"You want to know…how to like women? Aren't you bisexual?" In a true testament to ingenuity of Viktor's plan, he'd never heard Battler Ushiromiya sound more confused. And Battler was confused quite often.

"No, no," Viktor corrected. "I need to know how to be straight."

Defying the odds, Battler sounded even more baffled. "Isn't that the same thing?"

"This is why he needs the guidance of a genuine heterosexual male," Lust chimed in. "Because to us, it's obviously not the same thing."

Viktor was back at Death's Kiss, but instead of an exponentially increasing tab and a broken heart, he had two of his closest friends and a fresh notebook page open, ready for Battler's testimony on the life of the average straight man. Normally, Viktor wouldn't consider Battler helpful enough to involve in a scheme this complicated, but as he was the only straight person Viktor was on speaking terms with, he would have to do.

For all his friend's unwillingness to dive into the less…morally grey of Viktor's plans, he saw firsthand how much damage Jayce-Fucking-Talis did when Viktor was forced to call him for a ride after the fateful breakup at him and Jayce's (at the time) shared apartment. Jayce offered. Viktor told him to shove something sharp enough to chop down the tree stuck there right up his ass. Battler pulled up to the curb ten minutes later.

It occured to Viktor the next day that Battler had told him weeks ago that he only had a learner's permit. That explained the white-knuckle grip he'd had on the steering wheel the entire time, as well as the trashcans he parked into when trying to drop Viktor off at the bar.

"Right, well, I'm not sure how I feel about being called a 'genuine heterosexual male' but I can try to think of something. Do you have, like, questions?"

"I have many," Viktor said. "Firstly, what is an 'alpha male' and if I call myself that, will Jayce be more inclined to feel guilt over the monster he's turned me into?"

Battler swallowed. "I think I might be the wrong kind of straight guy for this."

"You barely even thought about it!"

"I don't know anything about wolves!"

"Boys!" Lust shouted. She held a hand up towards each of them, as if trying to physically stop them in place. Viktor was sure she took a long sip of her drink to purposefully make them wait longer. "Congratulations, both of you have successfully defeated your toxic masculinity. Jordan Peterson is crying in his hopefully-soon-to-be-filled grave. Can we focus on the actual task at hand?"

Lust pointed her finger at Viktor's chest. He raised an eyebrow. "You," she said, "need to stop appearing so horrendously bisexual—" Viktor snorted, "—and you," she pointed at Battler, "are not not bisexual. Which means you can tell him what he's doing wrong." Lust clapped her hands together. "Let's do a scene. Battler, be prepared to give notes."

"A scene?"

"Notes?"

"I swear, if I wasn't around, you'd both be destitute and missing all your teeth. Yes, a scene. As in Viktor is going to try to act straight and Battler is going to tell him what he can do to look less like the lead singer of an MCR cover band. Is that clear?"

Sensing no other way out of this, Viktor and Battler nodded.

"What is a situation where you'd admire a woman?" Viktor asked Battler.

He, predictably, turned redder than his hair and spluttered an awkward, "I don't know—like, um—I guess like a date? Maybe?" But it was enough of a prompt for Viktor to start.

"I will be on a date with Lust, then," he said. Then he cleared his throat, pulled back his shoulders, and added a touch of gravel to his voice. "Hello," he told Lust. It was only because of the years he'd known her that he could tell she was trying very hard not to laugh. He appreciated the self control; he doubts he would be able to demonstrate the same if the roles were reversed.

She didn't even have a chance to reply before Battler made a time out motion with his hands. "I get what she's saying now, dude, that was all wrong."

"I said one word!"

"Yeah, but you sounded way too gay."

"I am bisexual."

"But you're not supposed to be now!" Battler shook his head. "Look, just try it again and maybe narrow your eyes a bit? Okay, now look less like you're squinting. No, not like that—!"

This was going to be a long night.